Everything I Never Got to Say...

It's been a long time since I have posted anything. Even as I type this sentence, I am debating whether or not to close out of the page and forget this post.

What I want to share, I feel like I shouldn't. Like, somehow my feelings are unjustified or unwarranted. Maybe it's because I'm overly emotional or maybe it's because I am over-dramatic, but either way - I don't care.

Two and a half months ago my husband and I suffered a significant loss. My mother-in-law lost her battle with cancer. Her decline was so sudden. One day Berry and I were just living our life, and the next we get a phone call from Berry's sister letting us know things had gotten bad.  Within a month of that phone call, we were sitting in a funeral home figuring out how to say goodbye. How do you say goodbye?

I feel like I need to explain something before I continue writing this. Shelley (Berry's Mom) was SO much more than my mother-in-law. Take every negative thing you have heard about mother-in-laws and erase them from your mind. Shelley was NOTHING like that. She was beautiful, and kind. I loved her so much. She was my friend. My family.

When all of this was happening, I was 100% focused on my husband. I made sure he had everything he needed. If he wanted to talk, I dropped everything and listened. If he needed to sit in silence, I sat next to him. My heart shattered for him. I didn't know how to be a good wife to a grieving husband. I still don't know how. Those will always be some of the darkest days in our marriage. Days when all we could do was cling to each other. We took walks to escape reality. I told stupid jokes to make him smile. There was lots of hugs and hand holding, lots of whispers and tears. I cried. A lot. Most of the time, I was crying for Berry. He is my best friend, and the unimaginable pain he was in nearly broke me.

As I look at her pictures up all around our house, I have come to realize that there is so much I never got to say to her. My grieving is far from over. There are days when my dogs are doing something adorable that I grab my phone to text her about it. When something wonderful happens to Berry and I, so often, she is the first person I think of calling. Those moments when I realize I can't call her or text her, it's like I feel her death all over again. "Oh yeah. She's gone." Painful.

I guess I want to end this by typing out everything I never got to say. It doesn't seem right that it shouldn't be shared.

I never got to say...

Thank you. Thank you for welcoming me so fully into your family. I was never your daughter-in-law. Always your daughter.
Thank you for always telling Berry I was good for him. It only took him 12 years, but he finally listened to you.
Thank you for raising Berry to be the man he is. He is kind and dedicated. He works hard for our family and loves me well. He has your smile, and I love that about him. When he laughs, I see so much of you in him. He is such a great man, and I am so lucky he loves me.
When we have children, I promise to tell them all about you. I pray everyday that they have your smile too. I so badly wanted you to meet them. They will know you loved them even before they were born. I will tell them about your sweet Texas accent, and how your face would light up every time we came home.
Most of all, I pray that I love people as much as you did.I hope you knew how much we loved you.

For as long as we live, we will carry you with us. We miss you so much it hurts.

A little rant...

So, I was introduced to a new blog today. It seems to be in the spotlight lately after making some rather negative remarks about Kate Upton. Not the negative remarks I am used to hearing about scantily clad Victoria's Secret models, but rather one I never thought I would hear. In this particular blog, Kate Upton was being called fat. You read that right...fat. F-A-T. What? Seriously?

I suppose I am sensitive to the topic because I have spent my whole life being called fat. And, for me, it's true. I acknowledge my weight problems, and am trying to overcome my dependence on food. I don't hide from that. It's a challenge I've been faced with since kindergarten. It was awful growing up overweight. Terrible. Nothing could bring me to tears faster than a skinny girl calling me fat. Or worse, a BOY calling me fat. I cried a lot. It happened too much. It has taken me years to overcome the harsh words my classmates threw at me, and to learn to love me for me.

Not that anyone is ever excused from causing someone else pain, but it isn't like these middle school bullies were wrong. I was big. I still am. But Kate Upton? No. No, she is not big. This blog even states that PARIS HILTON isn't looking all that skinny anymore. PARIS HILTON?!?! No way. If she is fat, than it is hopeless for me.

Here is what bothers me about this blog. It isn't so much the prominent opinion that skinny (and by skinny, the blogger is talking about less than 100 lbs) women are vastly more attractive. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I, for instance, happen to think curves are beautiful. It's when that opinion is turned into sharp knives that so brutally cut at another human, that I begin to have an issue with. It is hard enough to be a woman in this culture. Everywhere you turn there are new advertisements that tell us we aren't good enough. There are new beauty products introduced every day. Is it not bad enough that the world tells us to change? Do we really need to turn on each other too?

What gets me more than anything else: The writer is cowardly. She hides behind her blog making utterly painful statements about people who don't meet her expectations, but her name is never mentioned and her face is no where to be seen. She bashes everyone who is brave enough to be in the public eye, yet she conceals herself. She says she does it to maintain her professionalism with her real-life job - but, seriously? I think she is afraid. More than that, she is a bully. A bully too afraid to show her face. A bully so wrapped up in her 98 pound body, that she is afraid to let anyone know who she really is.

This is what I know: No matter our weight or size, our actions determine our character. We are all daughters of the King, and that makes us exquisite. Without a doubt, I would rather my daughter love a large woman with an abundance of character, than a skinny woman with a cold heart.

Oh nameless skinny-blogger, don't you see that you are causing more harm than good? Instead of encouraging woman, and especially young girls, to achieve healthy lives, you are trashing any small sense of confidence that they may have had. I know it is hard for you to see past the numbers on the scale, but if you could even for just a second, I pray you find beauty in yourself and not in your weight. You are capable of so much good. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made.

Part of my Journey

It's been awhile since I have posted anything, not because I have nothing to share but rather because I haven't had to motivation to share it.

After much contemplation this evening, I've decided it is time to share. It is time for me to invite you all on this journey with me; rather with us, as this is very much a journey for both my husband and I. Almost 3 weeks ago, I received a phone call from my OB/GYN letting me know that my blood work came back a little abnormal. My hormone levels were quite high, and they wanted me to have a CT scan to ensure my adrenal glands were working appropriately.

Cut to last Monday, I get the word that while my adrenal glands are top notch, I have 11 cysts on my ovaries. Combine that with my high insulin levels, irregular periods, fatigue, and high hormone levels and you have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). At first, I was relieved because that is definitely treatable. Then, they started talking about conception problems Berry and I could face. Suddenly the conversation went from cysts to fertility treatments. My brain went from fine to terrified in 3 seconds. All it took was for the phrase "potential infertility" to be mentioned once, and panic immediately overcame me. 

I'm waiting for another phone call from my doctor. A phone call to tell me the options Berry and I have for the future. In the mean time, we're doing what we can to help the situation ourselves. This is the part of the journey I want to share with you. We need your help. Being healthy isn't something Berry and I have found easy. For me, it's a lifetime of unhealthy habits that I have to break. For Berry, it's a perpetual sweet tooth and a love of convenience. Now, however, I feel we have no choice. All my life I've waited for the motivation I needed to get healthy and now I have it.

If Berry and I are to ever have any little McWhorters, I have to get healthy. The journey starts now. We've already begun to buy organic. Working out is starting to happen more and more. Every time I think of cheating, I visualize a little hand holding mine or Berry rocking our little girl to sleep. All of these things are desires of my heart, but they are impossible in the body I have. 

This blog will hopefully be my way of staying accountable. Knowing my friends and family are checking this to see progress adds a little fuel to the fire. Here's to the journey, right?

Oh, the Joys of Adulthood...

I wish there was a way to type out a sigh effectively. If there was, that is how I would start this blog post. A long, exasperated sigh. I'm tired, y'all.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a grown up so badly. It seemed so glamorous. Who would ever hate driving a car or going shopping with friends? Where is that version of adulthood I so longed for as a child? Thank goodness I was unaware of the struggle. I guess longing for adulthood as a child probably meant I had a good childhood; one that was sheltered from most harsh realities. Who would desire the stress of bills, and the responsibility of a career? Now I wish for the days of recess and homework pages.

I feel like it is juvenile to even act slightly in despair, because I'm not. I have a beautiful life with a wonderful man. I'm just tired. Life is exhausting, no matter what phase of it you're in. Berry and I are working so hard to start off on the right foot. We know it's going to be worth it. We know that, in time, we're going to see the reward for all of this struggle, but knowing that doesn't make it easier. We've been blessed so far, and even now look back at our first few months together and have no idea how we made it. Sacrifice and hard work is the formula for success, right?

Typing that sentence, I was reminded that success doesn't measure happiness but rather happiness measures success. Oh, perspective....how you sneak up on me.

I'm going to end this pity party now. I vow to make the rest of my day better, and to focus more on our marriage than on our money.

The end.

Conditioned

 Being from San Antonio, there are a few things in life that I am just conditioned to.

1. Sweating.
2. 12 month summers.
3. Sweating.
4. Spurs Losing.

I want to spend some time on that last one. My beloved Spurs. Being a Spurs fan in San Antonio is no more a choice than loving Mexican food or saying "howdy y'all" to strangers. You see what I mean? There are things that are innate. I was born wearing a David Robinson jersey. My bed-time stories were about George Gervin. Y'all, my blood is black and silver.  Win or lose, I stand by my team.

See, the Spurs have the best win-loss record over the last 10 years in ALL OF SPORTS. Are you understanding that? From the NFL to the MLB to the NBA...my Spurs top the charts. With a stat like that you would think, what? At least 7 titles, right? Wrong. 4. Not that four is something to wrinkle your nose at. That's four championship rings. Four titles denied to Kobe Bryant. But, still...we lose the biggest games more often than we win them. That is heartbreaking. But then again...I'm conditioned to it.

Let's take this season. Going into game 3 of the Western Conference Finals, we were riding a 20 game win streak. Everyone who mattered in sports was picking the Spurs to win the championship. Rumors were flying about a "perfect" playoff run. But no. History repeated itself. We lost 4 in a row. My team, that was as close to perfection as it gets, got tired or too confident. The OKC Thunder learned their game and fought back, and just like in years past...the Spurs just ran out of steam. How do you go from perfect to preposterous is a matter of a week? We were SO close. But, we're always so close.

This is what it means to be a Spurs a fan. You pray and pray that this year, the big games are won. You pray and pray that this year, no one gets injured. We're conditioned to lose, but never lose hope that we'll win. Despite the Spurs' win-loss record, we are the perpetual under-dog. Just like San Antonio itself. The biggest little city in the world. I love my "little" city, and I love my under-dog team.

I'm proud to be a fan of a team that so embodies positive character and humility it's often easy to forget they're celebrities. I'm proud that you'll never hear Tim Duncan or Tony Parker brush off the blame on the team or the referees. Even if they had the worst record in the league, every home game would be sold out. It's how we are in San Antonio. Integrity is what matters. I don't care that I'm conditioned to losing, because I'd rather love the good guys than root for the bad guys. Win or Lose, y'all.

With that being said, I have to say I was impressed with the team mentality of the Thunder. They play excellent basketball, and are more level-headed and humble than most teams. (Aside, of course, from James Harden who is beyond the realm of annoying, not to mention he may have the ugliest shot I've ever witnessed.) I hope that they are able to bring home the championship. They too are an under-dog. A small market team with big-market talent. I can support that. Understand me clearly. I will NEVER be a fan of another team, but I can respect good basketball. I will only say this once, and it is only in effect for the rest of the playoffs, but....ThunderUp!

In other news, we're getting ready for our first out-of-town visitors! Berry's parents called today to announce that they were wanting to come visit for a few days, and we, of course, are so excited to see them. I love being hostess! :) If you made it down this far, thanks for reading my rant. :)

Pin-tastic! (and other Pinterest related words)

An amazing thing happened yesterday. Are you ready for this? I had the following conversation with Berry:

Me: Honey, what would you like for dinner tonight?
Berry: Well, I was looking on Pinterest and ...
Me: You were what?!?!?!!
Berry: I was looking on Pinterest. Ok?

I knew it. I knew it was only a matter of time before he succumb to power of Pinterest. The force is strong. I came home to 4 or 5 different tabs open. An abundance of recipes to choose from. It was quite pin-credible. :)

While I'm loving Berry's willingness to search the vast expanses of pinterest's endless possibilities, I'm fearful that the lure may be too much. What if I come home everyday to numerous dinner "suggestions"? What if conversations from here on out begin with, "Well, I saw on pinterest..." Too much of a good thing, my friends...

I'll let you know in the future if there needs to be a pin-tervention (okay, okay....I'm kinda proud of that one). As for right now, I'm in the process of making a dinner that is in no way healthy, but in every sense delish. Thanks, honey!

A little bit of life...

So, I'm going to start this off with a warning. I'm ridiculously inconsistent with most endeavors that I take on. This blog being among them. I have high hopes of regular updates, but I would be remiss not to give you advanced notice. You may be disappointed. With that being said, let's hope against that. Deal?

I'm starting this blog as a way to keep in touch with my family. Texas is far away. Too far, if you ask me. My husband, Berry, and I are ten months into this adventure of marriage and I thought that posting our journey on this blog would make the distance seem less severe. There is nothing more that we want than to share our lives with our friends and family that we so rarely get to see. Hopefully, this will do the trick, and you'll accept this little bit of life we have to share with you.

I need to begin with the biggest adventure we've started to date. His name is Jack. That's right, our lives have be flipped upside down because of a 7 pound daschund that stole my heart (and my money!). He is quite the handful, let me tell you! I think he's a bit of a con-artist. See, when I went to the pet store just to browse, I asked to play with this tiny little puppy. He looked so sad in his crate, and I just couldn't resist. When they brought Jack into the play room, he walked across the floor and laid his chin down on my knee, as if to say, "Will you be my Mommy?" I was done. He was my puppy. I knew I had to have him, but it was time to convince Berry. Friends, let me just tell you, this Marine of mine melted on the spot!

I mean, look at those eyes! Oh...little did I know. His sweet demeanor rapidly vanished into a wild, energy-crazed dog barely resembling the pup that, ever so calmly, laid his head in my lap. What did we get ourselves into??

It was a long first couple of weeks, and we still have our long days; days when jack decides that house training is just NOT what he wants to do. Those are the days I wish I could warn Jack to beware of Daddy! He's lucky he's so darn adorable, because despite it all...we're crazy about this dog. He's brought us more joy than frustration, and there is nothing better than coming home to his little wagging tail. I mean, look at those eyes!

In other news, Berry has finished his first full year at UGA, and he did so with a bang! I've always known how dedicated he was, but watching him work so hard at school, go to work, and still manage to be such a selfless and loving husband has given me so much more understanding and respect for this incredible husband of mine. I'm amazed everyday by his work ethic, and his commitment. What a man I married.

Work is still in full swing for me. This is the first year since becoming an educator that I won't have the summer off. I'm waiting to hear about a job interview I had last week. Things are looking good, I'm just praying for the patience I need to wait for the call. Join me in praying friends. I've been struggling some since I moved to Georgia. Loving my marriage, but missing my old job and my family. This position would mean so much, and it would get me back into a classroom where I belong.

The Spurs game is starting in 2 minutes, so it's time I wrap this up. Spurs trump all blogging responsibilities. Goodnight dear friends.

GO SPURS GO!

Also, I'm seriously considering buying Jackie a doggie Spurs jersey. Stupid? Maybe. Awesome? Absolutely.