Everything I Never Got to Say...

It's been a long time since I have posted anything. Even as I type this sentence, I am debating whether or not to close out of the page and forget this post.

What I want to share, I feel like I shouldn't. Like, somehow my feelings are unjustified or unwarranted. Maybe it's because I'm overly emotional or maybe it's because I am over-dramatic, but either way - I don't care.

Two and a half months ago my husband and I suffered a significant loss. My mother-in-law lost her battle with cancer. Her decline was so sudden. One day Berry and I were just living our life, and the next we get a phone call from Berry's sister letting us know things had gotten bad.  Within a month of that phone call, we were sitting in a funeral home figuring out how to say goodbye. How do you say goodbye?

I feel like I need to explain something before I continue writing this. Shelley (Berry's Mom) was SO much more than my mother-in-law. Take every negative thing you have heard about mother-in-laws and erase them from your mind. Shelley was NOTHING like that. She was beautiful, and kind. I loved her so much. She was my friend. My family.

When all of this was happening, I was 100% focused on my husband. I made sure he had everything he needed. If he wanted to talk, I dropped everything and listened. If he needed to sit in silence, I sat next to him. My heart shattered for him. I didn't know how to be a good wife to a grieving husband. I still don't know how. Those will always be some of the darkest days in our marriage. Days when all we could do was cling to each other. We took walks to escape reality. I told stupid jokes to make him smile. There was lots of hugs and hand holding, lots of whispers and tears. I cried. A lot. Most of the time, I was crying for Berry. He is my best friend, and the unimaginable pain he was in nearly broke me.

As I look at her pictures up all around our house, I have come to realize that there is so much I never got to say to her. My grieving is far from over. There are days when my dogs are doing something adorable that I grab my phone to text her about it. When something wonderful happens to Berry and I, so often, she is the first person I think of calling. Those moments when I realize I can't call her or text her, it's like I feel her death all over again. "Oh yeah. She's gone." Painful.

I guess I want to end this by typing out everything I never got to say. It doesn't seem right that it shouldn't be shared.

I never got to say...

Thank you. Thank you for welcoming me so fully into your family. I was never your daughter-in-law. Always your daughter.
Thank you for always telling Berry I was good for him. It only took him 12 years, but he finally listened to you.
Thank you for raising Berry to be the man he is. He is kind and dedicated. He works hard for our family and loves me well. He has your smile, and I love that about him. When he laughs, I see so much of you in him. He is such a great man, and I am so lucky he loves me.
When we have children, I promise to tell them all about you. I pray everyday that they have your smile too. I so badly wanted you to meet them. They will know you loved them even before they were born. I will tell them about your sweet Texas accent, and how your face would light up every time we came home.
Most of all, I pray that I love people as much as you did.I hope you knew how much we loved you.

For as long as we live, we will carry you with us. We miss you so much it hurts.